I was 27 when I first started learning to love myself. I was getting divorced and wasn’t sure who I was anymore without someone else’s influence. I don’t think I had ever known. It was messy and uncomfortable and I remember wanting to throw myself immediately into another relationship to try and make it easier.
I told myself ‘No!’ No Tinder for at least six months. I had lost most of my friends because of my previous relationship, so I didn’t even have them to distract me.
I moved in with my cousin near the beach. That little purple room, with its big mirror and a picture of Marilyn Monroe, became my sanctuary. And this is where the magic started ✨✨✨.
I spent so much time alone there, drinking red wine and watching the L word, dreaming of what I wanted my new life to be like.
The very first thing I did was take myself to the movies. I am terrified of theatres but I wanted to prove to myself I could do it. I went to watch 50 Shades of Grey. I wasn’t into the movie, so I left early. But I still felt proud. I had done it. And that was the start of something new: taking myself out on dates.
I would go to the library, the bowling alley, bars, restaurants, and malls. It was so freaking hard to make myself at first, but after a while it got easier. At first, I was terrified of what people might think, being alone, going places solo. But you know what I learned? I’m great company.
I started to not care what people might think, and ended up meeting new people, enjoying new experiences, and learning so much about myself.
I think this is also when I started my first inner child work. Having lost my mom to murder at 18, and surviving attempted murder myself, I had a lot to work through there.
I used to deny myself (what others considered) frivolous things that I wanted like stuffed animals, cute blankets, and anything with Hello Kitty. I never liked how I looked so I wouldn’t buy anything extra like tights or thigh highs or cute dresses that took me out of my comfort zone. So, I did.
I started getting myself those silly things I liked, and it was so healing. For the first time, I allowed myself joy without shame. I eventually moved out into my own studio (another thing I had been told I could never do, and honestly didn’t believe I could either because of my PTSD). Surrounding myself with all of these cute little things made me fall in love with being in my space. That was so important for me. For many trauma survivors, it’s hard to feel safe and enjoy the space you’re in. I think this is also why I didn’t feel I deserve nice things or to be comfortable.
Now… when it comes to the dressy stuff. Wow! Buying new dresses, tights and thigh highs made me feel like a million bucks. I would take out my iphone and set it on the self timer and take photos of myself. Yep. This began my love and still-never-ending relationship with the ‘selfie’. People love to hate selfies and people taking them, so I never did it. No one was around to judge me, so I stopped judging myself. I learned to fall in love with myself through the lens of my iPhone.
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A picture from one of my old blogs! I've been blogging forever!
I started to like what I saw looking back at me. It was like, maybe I could see what others saw me as. Everything was fine with my body- we were starting to get along, but I still (and still do!) struggle with my face. And now, because nothing is ever linear or ‘complete’ when it comes to this, I struggle with body issues because of my weight. I’m working on it for myself, but with love and grace instead of hate and cruelty. That’s another post for itself, though. Everything was perfect in my little bubble- my cute studio apartment filled with everything I loved, my new wardrobe and confidence, and the knowledge that I didn’t NEED anyone else to make me feel complete. I was becoming my own best friend. It was really a beautiful thing and a beautiful time in my life. Has it always been easy? No! This was 12 years ago, and while I mostly love myself, I still struggle. Mental health plays a big part in it, too. I have depression, bipolar, anxiety, and PTSD, so living with those can be a struggle and they all play their roles in my life. I’m still learning, still growing. And that’s the beauty of it! Self-love isn’t a destination, it’s a journey. And I’m so glad you’re here with me. ✨
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